Marriage Builders
There is a sobering line in the last book of the Old Testament. Malachi 2:16 reads, “’I hate divorce,’ says the LORD the God of Israel.” If something kindles the wrath of the Almighty to stoke loathing against it, you can be sure it matters much to him. God gets emotionally engaged when divorce happens.
Critics of Christ like to say the reason he hates divorce is because he is so distant and aloof from our human problems. “The Christian God couldn’t possibly get the pain of a broken marriage.” But, in reality, it is in part because God himself is a divorcee that he disdains divorce.
Earlier in the Old Testament, in Jeremiah 3:8, God gets quoted saying, “I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery.” God describes his love relationship with the people of Israel like a marriage in which his spouse repeatedly betrayed him. Having been abandoned God divorced the one he specially loved.
“I hate divorce,” then, spoken from the lips of God, are the shards of a broken heart. Yes, God greatly wants marriage to succeed as a blessing for us. Yes, God despises divorce as a transgression against his holy will. But God also says, “I hate divorce,” from the painful experience of all the adultery he’s endured from his people through the ages.
So, you better believe God fights for your marriage. God desperately wants your marriage to be a blessing of joy and not heart break. After all, he loves you. In fact, God wants your marriage to be a parable of his great love for you, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 - This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31, 32).
How might we avoid what might be called marriage busters and give ourselves to marriage builders? Well, “you can tell a lot about someone’s character by whether he or she picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful.” This was Ronald Reagan’s explanation for why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for meetings. It was also his go to story when challenging others to work on relationships. “Start with the little things - little things matter more than you know...,” the grinning Gipper would say. Let’s start there too. Here’s “two little marriage builders” God graciously encourages us to live to avoid a busted marriage.
1. Keep At Good Communication.
When pollsters asked married couples across this country, “What are the leading frustrations in marriage?” Poor communication was listed by 4% of the couples. Does this surprise you? Personally, I thought it would be a much higher percentage. Then it occurred to me, perhaps people who are poor at communication might have trouble communicating to the survey takers that they have trouble communicating! Like that popular meme: “If we can’t solve it vie e-mail, zoom, text, twitter, or phone calls let’s resort to talking in person.”
Read through the gospel of John and listen to the clarity by which Jesus communicated his love to us. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Nine “I AM” metaphors leave no misunderstanding as to who he says he is. “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). If imitating the love of Jesus in marriage is the goal, make a commitment to keep at good communication no matter what.
There’s a simple test to determine if a couple has a communication problem. Ask! Does each person know what the other person thinks and feels and believes? If your spouse asks, of course, don’t play coy and carnal and withhold. Be honest. Ask yourself this: “Could my partner adequately answer almost any question intended for me?” Here’s a rocket booster question of good communication for any marriage: “Honey, what do you need from me in our marriage now more than anything else?”
2. Keep At Kindness.
Kindness is underrated in marriage. We equate it with being just a nice spouse, as though it’s mainly about smiling, getting along, and not ruffling feathers. It seems a rather wimpy virtue.
But the Bible presents a very different and compelling portrait of kindness.
Paul the Apostle basically said to the Christians in Corinth, “You want proof I’m an apostle? Okay, look at me. I’m kind” (2 Corinthians 6:1-13)! True kindness is Spirit-produced (Galatians 5:22). It’s a supernaturally gentle orientation of our hearts toward other people, even when they don’t deserve it and don’t love us in return. God himself is kind in this way. His kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4) and his kindness gave us his Son as our Savior.
”But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 -he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, …” (Titus 3:4, 5).
Would your spouse say you are kind? Simple kindness goes miles to build a marriage relationship. One of the things that happens in every family is the development of the ability to easily hurt or help other family members. As sinners we all are skilled at learning how to push each other’s buttons in our pride for our own elevation.
Observe other couples and you will see that they have learned how to anger or harm each other with a single word or a certain facial expression. Likewise, most husbands and wives know exactly how to build up and help the other person with a kind word or action. It really is a matter of choice. Those who avoid busting marriage and build marriage have learned to seize every opportunity to genuinely express kindness. It becomes their way to be kind like Christ.
My wife left the top of my fifty gallon aquarium open after feeding my fish once while I was at a conference. The cat ate my prized electric blue ahli African cichlid I had cared for from a baby for four years. I knew exactly what to say to make her feel like dirt when she apologized. “What were you thinking? Or “I guess if it doesn’t matter to you or isn’t yours!” Instead, I said, “Fish can be replaced. It’s okay. No biggie. You matter more than some dumb blue fish.”
I was kind and moved on. I did sell the cat. I have nightmares monthly about that fish pleading for protection and I have my anger counseling sessions down to three sessions a month! But hey, I was kind. No, seriously, a little kindness makes a big difference in building a marriage.
Art historians say that Michelangelo, the genius sculptor, could take a flawed cracked slab of marble and make it into a masterpiece. How did he do it? He studied what he had to work with. He carved around the cracks. He used deformities as part of the design. He spent a ton of time and just hard work in doing it. The result? A marvelous masterpiece for others to behold.
May your marriage be that kind of a masterpiece. Not perfect and flawless, but worth the work, worth the time, worth building and making good - a masterpiece for your enjoyment and for God’s glory. Jesus see to it!